Living With Our Scars

There are times when I am reminded of the emotional scars that I bear from Adam's death in Iraq. A post from my dear friend who helped me more than I think she realizes while I was "over there", and who is also helping me cope now with these scars since I returned, reminded me of the hurt that I will forever feel. I wept as I read this letter written by Maj. Doug Zembiec (pictured left) to the children of Maj. Ray J. Mendoza who was killed while fighting in Iraq.

I cried because this letter, while not written to Adam, reminded me of him and his character. It is what any of us would have written about him if we had been asked to. I cried because I would have said the same thing to his children. I cried because I was ashamed that I couldn't weep for Maj. Mendoza without Adam's memory stealing my tears. I cried because that year in Iraq changed me. It changed us all...no matter how strong we were, it changed all of us who where over there. I cried because I knew that if my phone rang right now, I'd willingly leave my family and all that I have and be back over there...Adam would too. And so would our scars.

Let me explain to you a little about Marines. Marines are a group of people who understand the sense of duty unlike any other group of people that I have ever been a part of. There is a very defined and clear pecking order among my brothers let there be no doubt. But when there is a mission to be accomplished, I can offer no words to describe the cohesion and sense of teamwork that you will see amongst a group of Marines...regardless of rank. People have asked me if I miss the Marine Corps. My answer is, "I miss the Marines". I can't say that I miss the Body Corps, but I miss the Marines, the individual Marine, more that you can imagine. Give me ten Marines, and I would amaze you with what we could accomplish. But I digress from my original theme...Forgive me, I just love and miss my Brothers.

Please read this letter slowly and attempt to understand the character of the man about whom it was written. Maj. Mendoza, I salute you Sir. You are a true leader of Marines and one whom Adam and I would have been proud to serve with. When I think about all that is good in our society...when I think about who it is that I would want paddling next to me against the tide of evil, Maj. Mendoza Sir, I would have you. Semper Fidelis.


"Dear Kiana and Alek,

Ray and I had a conversation late May in 2004 while we were deployed to Iraq. He spoke of why he fought. He fought to give the people of Iraq a chance. He fought to crush those who would terrorize and enslave others. He fought to protect his fellow Marines. The last thing he told me that day was, "I don't want any of these people (terrorists) telling my kids how to act, or how to dress. I don't want to worry about the safety of my children." Kiana and Alek, your father fought for many things, but always remember, he fought for you. As you fight this battle we call life, you will find your challenges greater, your adversity larger, your enemies more numerous. The beautiful thing is, you will grow stronger, smarter, faster, and you will overcome the obstacles in your way. No one could've better prepared you than your father. In the month and a half your family stayed with me in Laguna Niguel, Calif., while waiting for base housing to open up, I saw how, with the help of your incredible mother, he instilled in you the essentials to life:

Live with integrity, for without integrity we deceive ourselves, we live in a house of cards.
Fight for what you believe, for without valor, we lose our freedom. Be willing to sacrifice, for anything worthy in life requires sacrifice. Be disciplined, for it is discipline that builds the foundation of your success. You will encounter misguided people in your life who may question America's attempt to help the people of Iraq and the Middle East. These pathetic windbags, who have nothing so sacred in their lives that they would be willing to fight for it, will argue and debate endlessly on what we should've done. While they criticize, they forget the truth, or conveniently overlook the fact that it takes men and women of action, willing to make a sacrifice, to free the enslaved, to advance the cause of freedom.

Our great nation was built on the shoulders of men like your father. While the nay-sayers and cowards hid in the shadows sniveling that nothing was worth dying for, men like your dad carved our liberty away from the English, freed the slaves and kept the Union together, saved Europe from the Germans twice; rescued the Pacific away from the Japanese, defeated communism, and right now, fight terrorism and plant the seeds of democracy in the Middle East. Your father was a warrior, but being a warrior is not always about fighting. He was patient with those he led, and he understood people make mistakes. He cared about the men he led as if they were his own family. To him, they were. His work ethic was tremendous. But he made time for his family, to enjoy life. He was balanced, at equilibrium. He was an inspiration. He was my friend.

In your future, when you are pushed against a wall, in a tight spot, outnumbered and seemingly overwhelmed, it may be tempting to give up, or even use the absence of your father as a crutch, as an excuse for failure. Don't. Your father's passing, while tragic, serves as an endless source of your empowerment. Your father would not want you to wallow in self-pity. I know you will honor him by living your life in the positive example he set. Respect and remember him. Drive on with your lives. Serve something greater than yourself. Enjoy all the good things that life has to offer. That is what he would want.

Kiana! I have never met a more capable young lady in my life. You are the most well-read, articulate, disciplined young person I know. Often I tell people of the arm-bar you demonstrated on me in your parents' garage. When you become a worldwide Judo champion, I will say with great pride, "that woman nearly torqued my shoulder out when she was 11 years old!" If my daughter grows up with a quarter of the strength of your principles, determination and intelligence, she will be an incredible human being. Like your mother, you are a beautiful woman, a fact of which you should be proud.

Alek! You are blessed with your father's strength of character and his unbreakable will and his broad shoulders. Your mother gave you her determination and unwavering mental toughness. Your mother told me the story of you hanging up the sign, "Be a leader, not a follower." My eyes well up every time that I think of you doing that. My eyes fill not with tears of sadness, but of pride, to know you grasped the mindset your father passed on to you. This mindset will allow you to be a leader and protector like your father, and one day, to raise an upright, solid-as-a-rock family of your own. When I look in your eyes, I see your father. Courageous, determined and resolute, your father embodied all that is virtuous in a warrior. Even now, you strive to embody his same character. Remember, there will never be any pressure for you to be exactly like your father. Be your own man, but build your character in his image. Many people may be concerned about your future because of the early passing of your father. I don't worry at all. Your dad gave you all you ever need to become a great woman and a great man. I know your father would have told you to be your own hero/heroine. Don't wait for someone to rise up and lead you to victory, to your goals. If you do, you might wait for a very long time. Ray died as a warrior, sword in hand, in service of his country, his comrades and you, his loved ones. His spirit and example give us all hope, reaffirms our faith. Your father reminds us there are men willing to fight for people that they don't even know so that all may live in peace. I joined the Corps to serve beside men like your father. There is no other Marine I'd rather have protecting my flank in combat than your dad. Even now, as I write this letter in Iraq, I will honor him on the field of battle by slaying as many of our enemies as possible, and fight until our mission is accomplished.

You will always be in our lives. Please stay in touch. We will always be in your corner for assistance, advice or just conversation. Pam and I plan to retire in Idaho and would love for you to visit us so we can take you white-water rafting and mountain climbing.


Very Respectfully,
Doug"

Stemming the Tide

"We're going down folks. I'm afraid that all we can do at this point, barring a moral awakening the likes of which has never before been seen, is slow our descent." A pretty depressing statement; I know, I made it. This is a quote from my previous post and one which has caused me some restless evenings of late, and here's why. If what I have stated is correct...if our society is slipping further and further down this slope slouching ever closer toward Gomorrah, then am I not, are we who wear badges and carry guns, not fighting an ultimately winless battle? Flood the streets of any city in this nation with cops and you know what you will have? A crime-riddled city with a lot of cops is what you will have. So why in the world should we try? Why should we try and win this fight against evil? Why should I take an interest in a community which seems to be destined to be plagued with crime regardless of what I do? Why should I concern myself with taking a crack-pipe-toting addict to jail when there are 30 more waiting to take his place? Why waste my time with the street-level narcotics dealer, when he will probably be let out on bond and keep dealing his death of choice? Why should I let that five minutes that I have just spent explaining to the drunkard how I don't want to see him get ran over as he falls flat on his face in the middle of the street...why should this bother me when in a matter of time, some of them will continue their destructive lifestyles? All very good questions and quite honestly, tough questions. I honestly hope that I am not biting off more than I can chew here (I probably am), but I must get this out of my mind and those of you who know why I write will appreciate this fact. Please listen very closely to what I am about to say.

It is my belief that human nature is evil. It is also my belief that mankind is by our very nature, self-serving, hedonistic, vengeful creatures and that if left to our own heeding, we would have long since destroyed ourselves and this ball that we call home. I don't believe that there is a single person, who if left to his/her vices, would be deserving of their next breath. Now, before the masses call for my lynching, allow me to expound. Are there some people who are less evil than others? Think of it this way...If you could see into my heart and my mind since the day I was born, you would agree that I have not always been a "good" person. But am I, or have I ever been as evil as Saddam Hussein? Never. But why? Why are some of us "less-evil" than others? Why are there some who would not choose to give in to this nature that we all have?

I believe with all my heart that it is because I was nurtured. I was taught by loving parents what is right and what is wrong. Every day this is what I see...I see a generation of kids who are growing up lacking the nurturing necessary to fight their nature and do what is right. I see parents who are not fit to be members of a free society - much less mothers and fathers. I see these parent's children detesting law, discipline, self-respect and any semblance of order. And this, this is what is nurtured. This is what is nurtured by their parents, this is what is nurtured by our media and this is what is nurtured by you and I when we do nothing to stem the tide. And that my friends, that is what I believe will be our society's undoing. When we as a society stop caring for these kids who cannot care for themselves.

The drunkard, the crack dealer, the career criminal...most of them are lost causes. But I will take as many of them to jail as I possibly can because parents are allowing them to raise their children. And as I see it, every miscreant that I tote off to jail, at least for a time, will be one less to spread their evil on to the next generation. And it is just that...a generational battle.

We have three different groups of people in our society, to piggyback off Chuck Holton's theory whom I give total credit for this idea...There are those who have already given up. They have asked themselves those same questions that I asked earlier, and after scratching their head, they came to the conclusion that all is already lost and they choose to prey off as many as they can before they reach their demise. There are those who will lock their doors at night and do nothing, and then there are those will fight tooth-and-nail to not only fight for themselves and their families, but also for those who are being preyed upon.

In the end, this is what we have to ask ourselves...Do we wave the white flag and blow the whistle in the hopes of being picked up by the rescue party while our own families and the whole of our society go down, do we stick our heads in the sand and pretend that all is well, or do we fight to keep us afloat for as long as we can? I know what my parents did, and I plan to do the same...not only for my families sake, but for yours as well.